Sexuality in the Arts

This is a review of Icíar Bollaín’s movie:

“Take My Eyes“

http://imdb.com/title/tt0350193/

4 out of 4 Stars.

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“I had erased her personality”

This is a tremendously well crafted and fast moving movie about mental and physical relationship/spousal abuse.  The quote in the title to this review is from one of the husbands, talking about how his constant threats of violence and violent actions effected his wife’s otherwise animated personality.

(Click on images to view them individually.)

In this movie, Pilar is torn between the love for her husband and the abuse she receives from him.  She tries to reconcile the beauty and goodness she knows is in him with his violent actions and threats.

Abuse is used to control.  While abuse may be an effective means of control, it often ends up disabling the beauty, artistry, health, and emotional capacity of the controlled person. Ironically, this can lead to a cycle where the abuser understandably finds their victim less attractive in their diminished condition.

Abusive spouses tend to limit their spouse’s social contacts by limiting time with friends and family and, as in this movie, limiting even their work contacts - or removing them from the working world entirely - making them more singularly dependent.  Sometimes abused spouses can be helped by reconnecting them with more people in general and by giving them the courage to fight back non-violently, calling attention to the specific abusive actions.

There’s a smart scene in this movie where the abusive husband is in therapy, and he’s instructed to:  a) emotionally recognize when he’s getting angry, b) create separation and breathing room at that point, and c) get involved in doing or thinking about pleasant other things for awhile.  He’s asked to tell the therapy group of a time in his past when he was not so stressed and when his world was at peace.  The screenwriting is great and revealing because he (Antonio) says, “I can’t remember.”  He is being sincere.  His past has few, if any, sustained memories of peaceful, intimate or familial social environments.

Helping certain abusers is very difficult, because they grew up in abusive environments.  They’ve never known patterns that did not involve violence as a part of regular conflict resolution patterns.  Conceding this deficiency in some abusers should give everyone working with them more empathy and understanding of their challenges.  Creating a world where there is both social peace and positive dispute resolution habits is especially difficult for these men & women.  It involves demonstrating for them intimate and socially functioning worlds - worlds they may not think really exist - outside of fictional stories.

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Some people reading the title to this movie may mistakenly think this is a macabre and grotesque tale of spousal abuse.  It is not.  Rather, it shows exceptionally and sympathetically the struggles and loves of different types of people involved in these types of abuses.  There are scenes where, even though we despise Antonio’s abuse of Pilar, we still understand her love for him.  Any movie that can emotionally convey something that complex and real is worth studying carefully.

During the movie’s plot, Pilar and Antonio get back together.  Pilar, having tasted working and some freedom, wants to take a course on art education to become a tour guide, explaining paintings’ histories and mythological roots.  Antonio struggles, watching her become more outspoken and independent.

If you don’t want to know how the movie ends, then don’t read this paragraph.  But I want people to know this is a gorgeous and smart movie.  Unfortunately, the husband doesn’t figure things out, and he returns to his patterns of using violence. 

But this movie has a healthier ending.  No, the husband doesn’t eventually change his ways.  Rather, Pilar finds ways to surpass the abuse, outreaches and reconnects socially, and pursues a career in the arts.

This movie doesn’t have a “happy ending,” but it is important to also emphasize that it is not a “male bashing” movie.  I have never seen a more sympathetic portrayal of a male abuser, giving us glimpses of his flawed thought processes and fears.  Ideally, I wish Antonio could have found ways to change his violent behaviors & rationales, and I wish both he and Pilar would not have lost the genuine & positive parts of their relationship . . . but that is not the story this movie tells.

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A personal note:  It would be inaccurate to characterize me as an optimist.  Rather, I am a person who never gives up on trying to make things better.  I don’t believe life will eventually give us happy endings.  Instead, I believe we can choose to never stop trying to find new and creative ways to fashion them.

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