Susan Kaplan - Three of Hearts - A Documentary About a Triad That Lasted Over 10 Years and Later Disbanded
This is a 5 out of 5 star review of Susan Kaplan’s documentary
“Three of Hearts:”
If you are looking for a movie that lays out a practical example of healthy ways that a multi-person intimate relationship can function, this unfortunately is not that movie.
More importantly, if you’re looking for a movie that lays out many practical and healthy ways that ANY relationship can function, this unfortunately is not that movie.
Why do I start by mentioning those lack of characteristics in this film? Because I watched the movie hoping to walk away with some non-traditional relationship insights, and sadly this triad fails not because of rare problems related to being considerate of two other people; but rather, this “marriage” of different individuals fails for very common reasons that many traditional relationships and marriages fail.
The film’s title Three of Hearts: A Postmodern Family is arguably misleading. In other words, Kramer v. Kramer wasn’t misleadingly titled: Two of Hearts: A Modern Family. If the movie had been more forthright in its title, I think fewer viewers would have walked away from watching it feeling misled.
But setting the title aside, and examining this documentary film from other more accurate perspectives, it is an excellent film. The soundtrack is extraordinarily good. The film is an intimate view of a non-traditional relationship where a male homosexual couple (where both men had previous heterosexual relationships) decided to seek out and take on a third person, a woman, to form a triad family.
The film works as a close examination of relationship & personality patterns & priorities that don’t work in most relationships, not just patterns that didn’t work in their triad. The film is about balancing partners’ interests and finding common solutions. It is also about being unable to balance partners’ interests and unable to find common solutions.
I would like to write this review from an omnipotent viewpoint and to tell you, “The relationships failed because person A didn’t _____ (fill in the blank). And person B didn’t _____ (fill in the blank) . . .” But even though I can make reasonable observations and inferences from the great deal of detailed documentary footage, the carefully chosen written and spoken words of the individuals, and the immense amount of visual and demeanor evidence, there is still years, hours, days, and events we don’t see on camera. So, I don’t have enough information to say with confidence all the reasons (or the primary reasons) the relationships changed. But I can speak to the information presented:
Steven, in his DVD “Special Features” (words he wrote for the filmmakers to use as “Family Updates” after the film was shot) says the following: “I have stopped worrying about what others think about my opinion and actions.“ This is a very revealing statement, consistent with his in-movie inhumane inconsideration of his former partners (Sam and Samantha) and his former (and his daughter’s present) pet dog. Given that Steven was given plenty of time to write anything, and as much as he would like, it’s telling the few words he carefully chose. He continues, “I am passionate about living life true to myself . . . I have a partner who has allowed me to really experience the meaning of unconditional love . . . I am blessed to have found someone (new) who . . . supports me in being the most powerful person I can be.”
Steven, during the film, is offended when others won’t recognize his triad. Steven, during the film, thinks in terms of: If push comes to shove between person A and person B, then I’ll choose one over the other. Steven, in his work and social life wants to have the power to decide what he and his partner(s) do. Instead of seeking what might be best for each person in the relationship, considering each person’s interests equally, he wants the deciding vote regardless of the others’ considerations.
It’s fitting that Steven ends up in a more traditional relationship where his partner gives “unconditional love.” Unconditional love is one of those “sounds like a good idea” terms that when you really examine it, is most often deceiving and unfair at its core. What do I mean? I once had a person complain to me: “But that means she doesn’t love me unconditionally.” And I thought, without saying this aloud: When a person wants to be loved “unconditionally,” they’re really asking for love without accountability - and I’ve never personally seen that be healthy or thrive in the long term for everyone involved. “I want unconditional love” is like asking for “unconditional time” or “unconditional salary.” It’s usually asked for by people who want love, but don’t want to do all the thought and work (the “conditions”) that would be deserving of the amount of love they are requesting. I’ve never been loved by someone who didn’t make the standards of behavior & character they wanted clearly known. And meeting those fair conditions is what has made our relationships healthy for everyone.
Steven may work better in a traditional 2 person relationship where two people broker not what is necessarily equally good or best for both, but rather they broker a cease fire and a power-sharing arrangement they can both agree to as a compromise. Many marriages last not because the arrangement is best for both, but rather because in the vacuum of only two people, one person agrees to subordinate their wants (or conditions) to the wants of the other person. Steven at the end of the film appears to achieve a relationship where he has the power he wants, with “unconditional love” so he is allowed to do things his way, not “worrying about what others think” and “true” to himself. I suspect in a healthy triad, each person will benefit by NOT trying to obtain decisive power and will benefit by NOT seeking love without considerate conditions.
The movie sadly ends up not being a beautiful example of people considering the needs of each person equally in a relationship. Rather, it is a movie about individuals failing to find ways to meet the needs of ALL their other family members. But the documentary filmmakers cannot be critiqued for the character decisions of their documentary subjects. That would be like critiquing “Hoop Dreams” for all the poor career and social decisions the young ball players made. The documentary is beautifully arranged, ordered, and edited.
Sam and Samantha, I am sorry for your loss, and I support your continued co-parenting. Steven, my hope is that you will someday have better knowledge of the important reasons to become more socially kind and considerate of the people who have been intimate with you, supported you, and depended on you.
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