When The Going Gets Tough, Many People Choose To Devalue What They Were Going For
The above artwork is by Lauren Bentley.
© All rights reserved by Lauren Bentley.
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When The Going Gets Tough, Many People Choose To Devalue What They Were Going For
~ by OneMoreOption
Have you ever listened to someone tell you about something they are passionately pursuing one day, then a few months later they change their story and they hardly value what they were previously working toward? This happens often. Often it’s because people discover they really don’t want what they were pursuing. But sometimes it may be because so many things worth having are very difficult to obtain or maintain. Whether it’s a fitness goal, a career goal, an artistic goal, or a relationship goal – goals worth shooting for are hard to hit. Excellence is often a moving target that you never land on or sit on. Sometimes, to keep something worth experiencing, you must keep pace with it.
I particularly have trouble with people who enjoy bad mouthing their past friends and lovers. Often, there are valid criticisms, wounds or mistakes that leave someone jaded. That’s one thing. But it’s another when a person repeatedly cognitively chooses to devalue the people in their past – in a mental exercise that is likely self-deceiving. I have trouble with people who can never find anything nice to say to or say about someone they had a significant relationship with in the past.
It’s MLK day today, and a couple of my friends put this Martin Luther King Jr. quote as their Facebook status: “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” That’s a nice sentiment. But I’ve met people who preferred to hate or to be indifferent (indifference often being lazy “hate”). Hate or indifference were their preferred choice. And I’m not sure they considered either to be a bigger burden than loving.
Why would a person who broke up with a good person tell themself: “My ex has such little worth that I will never communicate with them again”?
Why would a person who is physically much heavier than they’d like to be tell themself: “Being fit is not important to me” or “Other things are much more important to me than my health”?
Why would a person who loses a job they enjoyed tell themself: “That kind of work is not very important for me or anyone else”?
Can these kinds of responses be simply explained away as defense mechanisms? Are people getting permanently stuck in the “denial” stage of grief? I don’t know. These are not rhetorical questions. I really don’t know the answers to these questions. But some people prefer to hate the people in their past. I can imagine circumstances where that would be warranted, but it seems to occur more often than that.
I’ve never personally understood these kinds of people or these kinds of actions because when my parents divorced, they still honored and respected each other. They couldn’t get along, but they still were cordial. They still admired the other. They didn’t burn bridges or excessively bad mouth the other.
But many people are not like my parents. Many people prefer to demonize the people in their past. What good comes from that? Again, not a rhetorical question. What good can come from that?
I’ve listened to people who literally never said one nice thing about their ex, but could go on and on about things that bothered them.
People who hate, belittle, or show indifference toward others probably create more problems for themselves than they do for the people they hate. Efforts to demonize another person probably are more self-harming than they are harmful to the object of the demonization. The irony, of course, is that these people don’t realize this concept. They just go on bad-mouthing their exes, not realizing the impression they’re making on their current friends.
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When the going gets tough, sometimes people choose to devalue the people or goals they were previously pursuing. If they can devalue something, then they can persuade themselves they have not really lost much – maybe they’ve not lost anything worthwhile.
To the best of my self-awareness, I’ve rarely been able to do this. When I’ve lost rapport with good people, or when I’ve not been able to obtain a goal I really wanted, then I’m not very able to stop beating myself up about it. I don’t think I get stuck in “denial.” If I get “stuck” in a stage, it may be in never closing the wound, never wanting to mitigate the loss, never wanting to forget or devalue the good things I enjoyed or was shooting for.
I never saw any sense in lying to myself by trying to devalue what I was unable to keep pace with. I just failed. I failed.
I have not lost a sporting competition and tried to comfort myself by saying, “Winning that game wasn’t that important.”
I have not lost my physical fitness and tried to persuade myself by saying, “Being healthy isn’t very important.”
I have not lost a loved one and thought, “They weren’t very valuable, so losing them wasn’t a big deal.”
No, I’d rather hurt, with an unending hurt, than to delude myself or devalue the person or goal I saw shining beyond me.
This concept is consistent with Leonard Cohen’s famous lyric from his song “Hallelujah”:
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you hear at night
It’s not someone who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
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One of the reasons I hate aspects of certain religions is because they promise “something for nothing.” I don’t like when religions promise “forgiveness” or “a ticket to eternal happiness in heaven” if you simply agree to recognize their deity. I don’t like when a religion creates a virtual reward for no real action. I’m old-fashioned. I believe in paying your debts and making up for your weaknesses and mistakes. I don’t want a lover or a god who will “forgive all my sins” if I simply choose them.
What does this have to do with “devaluation”? When you buy into a concept that you don’t have to remedy what you have damaged, then you devalue everyone and every thing you have damaged. You blind yourself to your culpability and the things you have damaged, stolen, or disrespected.
I don’t hope for a world with forgiveness. I work toward a world with fair accountability. Don’t suggest to me I can be absolved of the wrong things I’ve done by simply agreeing to agree with you. I don’t hope for some god to give me what I have not earned.
If I’m not living a healthy life, I don’t want a god who loves me and takes me just the way I am. I would just be buying into a lie that deludes me into being okay with my bad patterns of behavior.
If I wronged a friend or lover, I don’t want a god who loves me anyway. I’d prefer a god who was in my face, telling me I should remedy what I can with those whom I have wronged.
If I couldn’t figure out how to do the work I think is valuable, I don’t want a god who is just fine with my apathy and laziness toward finding ways to get the work done. I’d prefer a dissatisfied god, prodding me with sticks and carrots to find smarter and faster ways to get the work done.
Forgiveness, in many religious structures, seems like a devaluing lie. Being “forgiven,” is often so much less work or accountability than actually working until you’ve made full restitution.
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When you look back on the things you have stopped pursuing, did you honestly determine they were no longer valuable enough to keep pursuing?
Or did you instead, in whole or in part, choose to tell yourself that what you were pursuing was not very valuable?
The work I do is valuable. And I’m angry when it doesn’t get done well or when I’m incapable of getting it done.
My fitness is valuable. And I’m angry when I can’t find ways to stay fit.
My relationships, past and present, have been valuable. And I am sad and angry when I can’t find ways to keep them pleasant and sustainable.
Don’t fool yourself. Don’t devalue what is, what was, and what still could be valuable.
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For regular readers and writers: Thank you to the new readers who have subscribed recently. It’s one thing to have many readers pass by, people who check in to see what crazy idea I’m ranting about. It’s another thing to have people who have read me enough and decide, “I’d like to continue hearing what you have to say – even if you are an effusive energy.” That’s pretty cool. Over the last 4+ years, I’ve probably lost one regular reader or subscriber for every one I’ve gained. I’m not exactly a Pied Piper. But to those of you who have remained, thank you.
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