If we each regularly do something small to support the arts, I hope we can make the world more colorful, memorable, and pleasant.  Kindness matters. 

The above artwork is by Carol Woolgar.

© All rights reserved by Carol Woolgar.

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To Better Understand Your Relationship And Sexual Dynamics, Look At The Control Dynamics

  ~ by OneMoreOption

When you’re in a conflict with your significant other, if you’re only asking questions like: 

- Am I making them feel the way they want?

- Am I helping them achieve their goals?

- Am I giving my partner the things they want?

All of those questions are very important.

But an equally important question may be:  Will I help or hinder my partner toward achieving the levels of control they desire?

I’m not suggesting “control” primarily involves “Who wears the pants?” in a relationship.  It is a broader analysis:  Do you facilitate your significant other achieving their desired level of control over themself?  Over their workload?  Over their career?  Over their family dynamics?  Over their time allocation?  Over their personal presentation?

Control is a vast array.  Can your partner control their day?  Their reputation?  Their narrative?  Their feelings?  Their sleep?  Their chemical balances?  Their fatigue levels?  Their boundaries?

“Control” is rarely simply an analysis between 2 people.  When “control” is perceived as simply a competition between two people or two adversarial interests, that is often when real problems and misperceptions arise.  In the real world, “control” is more often determined by many competing, benevolent, or unaware entities.

It is not that your partner is controlling.  It is that most people want to have certain levels of controls in their life.

It has often been said that only a fool thinks they are in control of their life, because life regularly shows us we’re not in control.  Even if that is true, people still want some reliable and measurable perceptions of control.

If you want to please your partner, do what you can to help them achieve their desired levels of control.

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On a sidenote:  I re-watched the 2004 movie “Seeing Other People” tonight.  It’s very good, and I highly recommend it.  There are at least two songs in the songtrack from the group “Iron & Wine”, including “Upward Over The Mountain.”  The “Behind The Scenes” special feature on the DVD is also worthwhile.

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Choosing Your Sexual Orientation

  ~ by OneMoreOption

I’ve researched and regularly widely written about sexual orientation since 2006 on this blog and on Amazon.  Further, my personal experiences with bisexuals have informed my research and opinions. 

Cynthia Nixon on Wikipedia

Cynthia Nixon, the “Sex in the City” actress, said in The New York Times this week: 

“I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’  And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice.  And for me, it is a choice.  I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me.  A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.  I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Some people are probably born gay and there is no flexibility or wavering in their orientation or preference.  But other people choose to be gay, for a varying combination of differently weighted reasons.

Some women don’t want “a man” or a “a patriarch” or a “head of the household” significant other.  They don’t want someone else to play that historically and commonly “male” role.  They don’t want anyone to behave in that way in their immediate family.  In the story of their life, in the play they are co-writing, they don’t want to create, write or cast that role.  They don’t want a man or a woman to play that part.  The question is not so much:  “Will I love a man or a woman?”  Sometimes the more accurate question is:  “Do I want a significant other in my life to play a more traditional feminine or masculine familial/couple role?”

Some women just prefer “being in a relationship with” or “being physically affectionate with” a woman or women more than they prefer with a man or with men.

Some gay individuals have criticized Nixon, saying she is bisexual and not gay.  John Aravosis, a male blogger who identifies himself as gay, wrote: 

“She needs to learn how to choose her words better, because she just fell into a right-wing trap, willingly,” he writes, “When the religious right says it’s a choice, they mean you quite literally choose your sexual orientation, you can change it at will, and that’s bull . . . Every religious right hatemonger is now going to quote this woman every single time they want to deny us our civil rights.”

I think Ms. Nixon might disagree both with Mr. Aravosis’ reasoning and his demeanor.  Aravosis may be one more man who thinks he knows how a woman should feel or think. 

Some bisexual individuals (people who have or are capable of loving individuals of either gender) can choose to define themself as simply “gay” rather than “bisexual,” because they have made a choice to seek the affections of only one gender or one person of a specific gender.

I hope people fall in love with individuals more than they fall in love with a gender. 

As far as Mr. Aravosis’ domino theory that “every religious right hatemonger is now going to quote this woman every single time they want to deny us our civil rights,” he may be correct.  But is that really a problem?  Who still listens to the religious right as a point of ethical, legal, or moral authority?  Religious people can rattle their sabers all they want – the rest of us don’t have to listen.

It’s okay for someone to have a civil right to choose the race of their significant other.  We don’t need people to declare “I was born as a person who could only love another white person.”  We don’t need people to declare “I was born as a person who could only someone who is my age or younger.” 

In the same way, we don’t need to base a gay person’s civil right on the verifiability or unwaveringness of their declaration of “I was born as a person who could only love someone of my gender.”  If that’s true, that’s great.  But the civil right does not come from the gender (or other categorical) exclusivity. 

The civil right is:  Each person has a right to choose whomever they want as their significant other, regardless of age, religion, ethnicity, race, gender, or sexual orientation. 

This right doesn’t have to be ordained by a god, an ancient religious text, a legislative body, a cultural religion, or a majority vote.  It comes from common sense and civility.  It is civil.

As Cynthia Nixon said in the same New York Times interview:  “Why can’t it be a choice?  Why is that any less legitimate?  It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”

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Today’s Topics

 •  Life Is Racing By

•  Darrell Hammond’s New Memoir

•  You Will Be Defined By What You Refuse To Consider 

 •  A World Without Sex & Sexuality

 •  9 Million Visits

Life Is Racing By

 
Most people don’t understand how fast their life will race by and how fast their health will deteriorate, especially if they don’t take concerted steps most days to moderate their diet and exercise thoroughly all their major muscles groups.

Every time I see another pop, beer, or potato chip commercial where people are deliriously happy about getting to consume junk food, my eyes roll.  Advertisers and food corporations in the pursuit of a buck.  I may sound like a killjoy, but I’m not.  I just don’t take joy in mindlessness or foolishness.  I’m not against junk food, but most people can’t heathfully derive most of their happiness from their food and beverage consumption and stay healthy for very long.  Everything in moderation.

If you look at my last few posts, you can see the theme of these related issues weighing on me.

Many people notice slight losses in their physical or mental abilities and they shrug them off, saying to themself, “It’s just part of getting older.”  I don’t.  I get mad.  I get up every day and fight with my body.  I re-create and re-form what has been lost – to the best of my opportunity.  Life and gravity will literally crush you, and it’s your choice how much to fight that daily atrophy.

The health mistakes people make in the 20s, 30s, and 40s are the mistakes that will most effect their 50s, 60s, and 70s.  If the damage is done by the time your 30 or 40, often that damage cannot be undone at any point later in life.  The body’s ability to remedy conditions that have become chronic lessens with advancing age.  Yes, youth is wasted on the young.  It’s our job to tell young people to take care of the gifts they have been given.

I write because I think I have some uncommonly worthwhile ideas to consider.  And I have for a long time had palpable knowledge that I will not always be able to speak for myself and communicate to others.

Darrell Hammond’s New Memoir

 
Darrell Hammond, the long time impressionist, from the cast of Saturday Night Live, has written a memoir, currently out in hardback (pictured above).  To this point, I’m up to page 167.  The book, as you would expect, is funny.  It’s well written.

Darrell Hammond repeatedly wrecked his health from a young age.  I have not yet finished the book, but in his telling so far, he had a terrible childhood, receiving awful abuse, particularly from his mother.

Darrell believes several doctors misdiagnosed him with several incorrect mental disorders.  He believes a diagnosis he received later in life (after years of mis-prescribed drugs and alcohol abuse) is probably more accurate.  From his childhood’s constant environment of fear and physical abuse, he developed something comparable to PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, similar to what soldiers suffer after being in combat situations.  He believes this more accurate diagnosis has helped him and his care providers to better address the real causal issues of his unstable, manic, cutting, and bipolar-esque behaviors (he is suspect of previous bipolar diagnoses).

The book’s title is humorous, a play off of other famous book titles of “It’s me Margaret” and “Hello Vodka.”  But don’t incorrectly assume Hammond is god-fearing.  The title is more wit – a tip of the hat to the people and angels that luckily repeatedly saved him from himself.

I highly recommend the book for anyone who grew up in an abusive or fearful home environment.  I have not completed the book yet, but the information I’ve read so far is worth more consideration than many other books/memoirs covering similar issues.

You Will Be Defined By What You Refuse To Consider 

 
Many people have issues they would prefer not to face.  Many people would rather get stoned in one way or another, preferring getting drunk, deluded, distracted, or stoned rather than facing the problems from their past or present they perceive they cannot overcome.  Other people busy their mind with work, causes, or religion.  Everyone has the right to make their own choices.

But when you choose not to face or consider major issues in your past or present, that choice to avoid a major part of your life will define you and effect the rest of your life.

Living in a closet isn’t just a lie to yourself, it’s a lie to the universe.  It is not ”awesomeness.”  It is not even good.  It’s a lie.  It’s a hypocritical facade.  It’s a persona structured on falsehood, built to maintain unrelenting misrepresentations.  If you have to avoid something major or take steps to reach an altered state of forgetfulness or misrepresentation in order to keep going, then it’s probably time to find people to help you face what you have not yet fully reconciled.

A World Without Sex & Sexuality

 
I love my mom, but I can’t live in her world for very long because her world belittles and avoids issues of sexuality.  My world is filled with sex and sexuality.  Her world oppressively treats sex and sexuality like they are unimportant and often shameful.

I love my mom, but her under-prioritizing and devaluing of sexual and physical affection priorities frustrates me. 

Darrell Hammond’s mother once caught him masturbating:

“And then my mom caught me masturbating.  As was her custom, she didn’t knock on the door, she just barged in.  Since no one had explained to me what was happening to my body, and why my hands wanted to wander there, I was fumbling my way through that process as well.  I was mortified. 

My mother’s reaction was silent rage.  In the days that followed, I’d walk up to her and try to have a conversation, and she’d behave like I wasn’t in the room at all.  Finally, I grabbed her by the arm and said, ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’

‘Why don’t you go into your room and pee on yourself?’ she spat back.”

My mother was never abusive, cruel, or mean.  But like many women of her generation, she never discussed or condoned masturbation.

I cannot live in a world skewed to ignore or not consider the importance of regular physical affection, masturbation, and sex.  So, I write in order to promote healthier perceptions of physical affection, masturbation, sex, and sexuality.

9 Million Visits

 
A couple days ago, this blog past 9 million visitors. 

If you’re new to this blog, and wondering:  “Why have so many people visited here?  What’s all the fuss about?”  I’m not certain.  But some of the reasons may be I discuss substantive issues with more candor and honesty than most people.  And some of the best things I’ve written may have been written herein years ago.  You can search the “Word Index” tab to be able to see the topics that have been discussed.  If you don’t see a topic of interest in the recent posts, you may find some in the index.

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For regular readers and writers:  Thank you to the new and old subscribers, and thank you for the Facebook likes.

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The above artwork is by Alexandra Catana.

© All rights reserved by Alexandra Catana.

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What You Don’t Perceive, Can Hurt You

  ~ by OneMoreOption

The most significant and frequent social inability I have witnessed in my peers and relatives is an inability to fully recognize, evaluate, and appreciate the value of nearby human resources.

In this life, what you are able “to see” is relative to what you will get. 

If you don’t see or perceive the value in the people around you, then you will not recognize valuable social opportunities.  Further, people will be able to tell when you don’t value them.  Your actions, spoken and unspoken, will reveal your level of interest in others.  When you don’t show your recognition and admiration, people will see that on a regular basis.  And if that regular feedback from you is neutral or negative, that will wear on the people socializing with you.

I have a good friend from college who dated a kind girl during college.  He complained about minor things about her.  He complained about her relatives more than he criticized her.  Eventually, they broke up.  She went on to marry another guy, have beautiful kids, and live a pleasant life.  Conversely, my friend never married.  He wanted to get married.  There were some women he thought were valuable enough, but they didn’t want to marry him.  Life’s funny that way.

I’m not suggesting people should “lower their standards.”  Rather, I’m suggesting people should educate themselves more to be able to recognize and give warranted props to the good qualities in others.

If you’re trying to maintain a relationship, and you can’t find significant regular time to do activities with your partner, then it won’t take long for them to put 2 and 2 together and realize they are not a high priority in your life.  If you don’t appreciate your partner’s time enough to make time to focus on doing pleasant things with them regularly, they’re not likely going to be ignorant or stupid and not see your priorities and actions.  If you’re going to ask them to put all or most of their intimate social expressions into your basket, and you respond by not making regular time for them, that’s going to rub most people wrong.

If you see something of value, give it the time and attentions something of value deserves.

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The above artwork is by Lauren Bentley.

© All rights reserved by Lauren Bentley.

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When The Going Gets Tough, Many People Choose To Devalue What They Were Going For

  ~ by OneMoreOption

Have you ever listened to someone tell you about something they are passionately pursuing one day, then a few months later they change their story and they hardly value what they were previously working toward?  This happens often.  Often it’s because people discover they really don’t want what they were pursuing.  But sometimes it may be because so many things worth having are very difficult to obtain or maintain.  Whether it’s a fitness goal, a career goal, an artistic goal, or a relationship goal – goals worth shooting for are hard to hit.  Excellence is often a moving target that you never land on or sit on.  Sometimes, to keep something worth experiencing, you must keep pace with it.

I particularly have trouble with people who enjoy bad mouthing their past friends and lovers.  Often, there are valid criticisms, wounds or mistakes that leave someone jaded.  That’s one thing.  But it’s another when a person repeatedly cognitively chooses to devalue the people in their past – in a mental exercise that is likely self-deceiving.  I have trouble with people who can never find anything nice to say to or say about someone they had a significant relationship with in the past.

It’s MLK day today, and a couple of my friends put this Martin Luther King Jr. quote as their Facebook status:  “I have decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  That’s a nice sentiment.  But I’ve met people who preferred to hate or to be indifferent (indifference often being lazy “hate”).  Hate or indifference were their preferred choice.  And I’m not sure they considered either to be a bigger burden than loving. 

Why would a person who broke up with a good person tell themself:  “My ex has such little worth that I will never communicate with them again”?

Why would a person who is physically much heavier than they’d like to be tell themself:  “Being fit is not important to me” or “Other things are much more important to me than my health”?

Why would a person who loses a job they enjoyed tell themself:  “That kind of work is not very important for me or anyone else”?

Can these kinds of responses be simply explained away as defense mechanisms?  Are people getting permanently stuck in the “denial” stage of grief?  I don’t know.  These are not rhetorical questions.  I really don’t know the answers to these questions.  But some people prefer to hate the people in their past.  I can imagine circumstances where that would be warranted, but it seems to occur more often than that.

I’ve never personally understood these kinds of people or these kinds of actions because when my parents divorced, they still honored and respected each other.  They couldn’t get along, but they still were cordial.  They still admired the other.  They didn’t burn bridges or excessively bad mouth the other.

But many people are not like my parents.  Many people prefer to demonize the people in their past.  What good comes from that?  Again, not a rhetorical question.  What good can come from that?

I’ve listened to people who literally never said one nice thing about their ex, but could go on and on about things that bothered them. 

People who hate, belittle, or show indifference toward others probably create more problems for themselves than they do for the people they hate.  Efforts to demonize another person probably are more self-harming than they are harmful to the object of the demonization.  The irony, of course, is that these people don’t realize this concept.  They just go on bad-mouthing their exes, not realizing the impression they’re making on their current friends.

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When the going gets tough, sometimes people choose to devalue the people or goals they were previously pursuing.  If they can devalue something, then they can persuade themselves they have not really lost much – maybe they’ve not lost anything worthwhile.

To the best of my self-awareness, I’ve rarely been able to do this.  When I’ve lost rapport with good people, or when I’ve not been able to obtain a goal I really wanted, then I’m not very able to stop beating myself up about it.  I don’t think I get stuck in “denial.”  If I get “stuck” in a stage, it may be in never closing the wound, never wanting to mitigate the loss, never wanting to forget or devalue the good things I enjoyed or was shooting for.

I never saw any sense in lying to myself by trying to devalue what I was unable to keep pace with.  I just failed.  I failed.

I have not lost a sporting competition and tried to comfort myself by saying, “Winning that game wasn’t that important.”

I have not lost my physical fitness and tried to persuade myself by saying, “Being healthy isn’t very important.”

I have not lost a loved one and thought, “They weren’t very valuable, so losing them wasn’t a big deal.”

No, I’d rather hurt, with an unending hurt, than to delude myself or devalue the person or goal I saw shining beyond me. 

This concept is consistent with Leonard Cohen’s famous lyric from his song “Hallelujah”: 

But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you hear at night
It’s not someone who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

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One of the reasons I hate aspects of certain religions is because they promise “something for nothing.”  I don’t like when religions promise “forgiveness” or “a ticket to eternal happiness in heaven” if you simply agree to recognize their deity.  I don’t like when a religion creates a virtual reward for no real action.  I’m old-fashioned.  I believe in paying  your debts and making up for your weaknesses and mistakes.  I don’t want a lover or a god who will “forgive all my sins” if I simply choose them. 

What does this have to do with “devaluation”?  When you buy into a concept that you don’t have to remedy what you have damaged, then you devalue everyone and every thing you have damaged.  You blind yourself to your culpability and the things you have damaged, stolen, or disrespected.

I don’t hope for a world with forgiveness.  I work toward a world with fair accountability.  Don’t suggest to me I can be absolved of the wrong things I’ve done by simply agreeing to agree with you.  I don’t hope for some god to give me what I have not earned.

If I’m not living a healthy life, I don’t want a god who loves me and takes me just the way I am.  I would just be buying into a lie that deludes me into being okay with my bad patterns of behavior.

If I wronged a friend or lover, I don’t want a god who loves me anyway.  I’d prefer a god who was in my face, telling me I should remedy what I can with those whom I have wronged.

If I couldn’t figure out how to do the work I think is valuable, I don’t want a god who is just fine with my apathy and laziness toward finding ways to get the work done.  I’d prefer a dissatisfied god, prodding me with sticks and carrots to find smarter and faster ways to get the work done.

Forgiveness, in many religious structures, seems like a devaluing lie.  Being “forgiven,” is often so much less work or accountability than actually working until you’ve made full restitution.

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When you look back on the things you have stopped pursuing, did you honestly determine they were no longer valuable enough to keep pursuing? 

 
Or did you instead, in whole or in part, choose to tell yourself that what you were pursuing was not very valuable?

The work I do is valuable.  And I’m angry when it doesn’t get done well or when I’m incapable of getting it done.

My fitness is valuable.  And I’m angry when I can’t find ways to stay fit.

My relationships, past and present, have been valuable.  And I am sad and angry when I can’t find ways to keep them pleasant and sustainable.

Don’t fool yourself.  Don’t devalue what is, what was, and what still could be valuable.

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For regular readers and writers:  Thank you to the new readers who have subscribed recently.  It’s one thing to have many readers pass by, people who check in to see what crazy idea I’m ranting about.  It’s another thing to have people who have read me enough and decide, “I’d like to continue hearing what you have to say – even if you are an effusive energy.”  That’s pretty cool.  Over the last 4+ years, I’ve probably lost one regular reader or subscriber for every one I’ve gained.  I’m not exactly a Pied Piper.  But to those of you who have remained, thank you.

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The above artwork is by unexpectedtales.

© All rights reserved by unexpectedtales.

(Click on the image if you wish to view it larger or individually.)

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“Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realized”

  ~ from “MLK” by U2.

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Sleep

  ~ by OneMoreOption

Most people don’t understand the importance of sleep.  Some people do.  Some people grow up around parents or grandparents with serious health or sleep disorders.  Many people ironically physically disable themselves and destroy their health as they focus much of their time toward good and noble pursuits.

I’m 42.  You wouldn’t think people as young as me would have many serious or chronic health issues.  But please allow me to tell you about some of my peers.  In all the cases below, each one of these descriptions is about a real person, but for understandable reasons, identifying characteristics have been altered to promote their anonymity.

1)  I have a friend my age who came out of college and she started working night shifts for several years.  Some people can work night shifts their whole life and not have negative health effects.  But in her case, it didn’t jive with her clock and physiology and she developed sleep apnea, requiring her to wear a breathing device to aid the quality of her sleep for the rest of her life.  She also developed chronic hormonal imbalances that required weekly shots for the rest of her life.  She is the nicest person you could ever meet.  Kind.  Sensitive.  Giving.  She has great character and does everything right.  Maybe she would have developed these health issues regardless of her sleep patterns or lack of sleep, but I believe her lack of sleep likely exacerbated her health problems.

2)  I have another friend.  He came out of college and immediately began a life of service, teaching high schoolers required academic skills.  In this service, he has worked too hard for decades, grading papers and giving tremendous attention to helping the slow learners meet the minimum requirements.  During the school year, he’ll get up before 5am regularly, after not sleeping well, and work until late at night, regularly not getting 5 hours of quality sleep.  After decades of these patterns, he has severe arthritis, requiring powerful prescription medications, with their disabling chemical side effects.  Many, if not most, nights he cannot sleep well, waking regularly even on nights when he knows he will not get enough total sleep.  Possibly because of having too little time to sleep and regularly exercise in order to stay at the physical fitness level he’d prefer, both his knees failed, requiring reconstructive surgery (but this may have been a genetic predisposition that would have occurred regardless).  With such little time for the physical activity he liked to do, he’s been heavier than he would have preferred.  He’s one of the nicest, kindest, and most self-sacrificing people you could ever meet.  But a chronic lack of sleep has taken a toll on his health.

3)  I have another friend. She is the model of financial success.  She completed a doctoral program without skipping a year.  She went on to a meteoric fifteen year professional career, amassing literally millions of dollars.  She retired at 45.  Oh, but did I mention that by the time she was the age I am now, 42, she was permanently disabled for the rest of her life?  She wasn’t heavy.  She wasn’t a chronic drug abuser.  She did smoke, but who didn’t in her era?  But for the 15 years she focused on her career, she didn’t listen and take good care of her body, and she was often to work before 6am, rarely getting a full night’s sleep.  She came from a generation who often perceived people who didn’t get up with the sunrise to be lazy.  But by age 42 she’d developed chronic asthma, likely COPD, and excruciating back problems that effectively ended her professional career and would be a major source of pain for the rest of her life.

I could go on further.  But in brief, I have peers who by the age of 42 have:
- had hip replacements
- systemic non-STD-related autoimmune diseases (2 friends)
- frozen joints, making their range of motion dangerously limited
- chronic obesity

Some of these health problems come from genetic predispositions or other bad health patterns.  But in most cases, these people have made “good” or “noble” lifestyle decisions that led them to be so busy in their daily lives, filling up so much time with so many “important” things that as a result, they regularly do not get enough sleep.

What are good and noble pursuits you pursue that keep you from getting enough sleep?
- Are you trying to amass a great fortune?
- Are you trying to do “everything right”?
- Are you trying to make sure all the children meet their state required academic standards?
- Are you trying to persuade the rest of the world to buy into your chosen religion?
- Are you trying to heal everyone who is sick?
- Are you trying to get straight A’s?
- Are you trying to achieve perfect attendance?

Sometimes, one of the best things you can do for others is to be an example of someone who doesn’t unnecessarily sacrifice their own health.  Getting regular quality sleep is probably more important to your health than you’ve been told.  I don’t remember it ever being highly stressed or emphasized in any of my schooling.

Why do I write anonymously?

It is because I don’t want to unnecessarily publicly embarrass people.  But discussing these kinds of issues is so important.

People literally physically disable themselves and destroy their health as they focus most of their time toward good and noble pursuits.  How could I tactfully and respectfully write about such important and real issues, using real and personal examples, if I did not write anonymously?  I’m not sure it could be done.

I point out all these health issues that most people might associate with older people because they are happening to my peers when they are young, when they should be in the full health and stride of their lives.

Some people might respond to this by saying:  Who cares about my health?  It’s my time and my body.  I can do whatever I want.

Yes, you can.  But I’m also at the age when my peers’ parents are either dying or needing to go into care facilities, sometimes prematurely because of a lifetime of getting poor sleep or making other poor health decisions (not because of genetic or accidental reasons).  At some point, your poor health choices will not only detrimentally effect you.  At some point, your poor health choices will likely require a friend or service provider to devote hours of their young and healthy days to taking care of you.  And if you don’t want to waste their valuable time, then you might consider making as many good health choices as possible, including getting regular sleep, to avoid that onset as long as possible and limit those years of care to as few as possible.  That might be a more noble and admirable pursuit than many of the other things you’re busying every day with now.

If you genuinely love the people around you (friends, family, or strangers), then one of the best things you can do for them is to take good care of your own physical health and regularly make it a priority to get enough sleep.

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For regular readers and writers:  I struggled with posting this post.  Yesterday, I edited it down and simplified it, so as to further promote anonymity.  But the post lost its reality and weight without the real, painful examples.  This post was not easy to write or to have written.  But this is what I do.  I talk about the things most other people are too polite to discuss because they don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings.  I write about issues that are more important than many people give them credit.  And in order to effectively write about such things, you have to be more honest and candid than most people choose to be.

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The above artwork is by Paula Marina.

© All rights reserved by Paula Marina.

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Compared To The Average Person, How Much More Time Each Day Do You Devote To Taking Care Of You?

  ~ by OneMoreOption

How much does it cost to maintain you?

If you could estimate the amount of time the average person spends taking care of themself, how would you compare?

How much more time, work, and money than the average person do you spend on yourself for managing, addressing, maintaining, or accommodating your:

Personal Grooming
Watching TV
Playing Games
Pursuing Hobbies
Reading
Eating
Smoking
Drinking
Cooking
Non-Genetic & Non-Accidental Health Problems
Vacations
Perks
Commuting
Luxury Items
Education / Job Training
Utilities / Housing
Insurances

What are the current ongoing costs, including the debts you’re still paying, from your self-pursuits?

How much time each day do you, and those around you, have to spend to finance the benefits enjoyed primarily or exclusively by you?

Now compare . . .

How much time each day to you spend creating benefits for others?

 
How do those expenditures compare?

Do you know?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?

If you have not, and you’re a single person wishing to be in a relationship, then asking these questions may inform you.

Even if you’re not asking yourself these kinds of questions, your potential suitors are likely making these kinds of evaluations of you.

If you’re in a relationship and having problems, then trying to answer these questions may be helpful.

I would tend to think smart people, who are looking for companions, would tend to pursue and desire people who are spending a larger proportion of their time and energy creating benefits for others rather than for themselves.

That’s just a guess.  But looking back on my personal social experiences, and the people who I continued to pursue, or continued to love long after they were no longer a part of my life, I tended to be more attracted to people who didn’t spend a lot of time and expense being self-involved, and people who spent more time trying to facilitate the wants and needs of those around them.  That strategy has worked pretty well for my family, friends, and communities.

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When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Person

  ~ by OneMoreOption

When you’re in love with a beautiful person, the question is not simply:  Will they love me?

The more complex question is probably:  Will they love me and will they love the life I can work with them to facilitate?

Beautiful people generally have no shortage of suitors, people who want their attention and want to be with them.

Last night I watched Lars von Trier’s controversial 2003 film “Dogville,” starring Nicole Kidman.  This was a fascinating project for Nicole Kidman to choose following the dissolution of her marriage with Tom Cruise in 2001.

The film is a parable, a morality play about a rural, isolated small city that takes in a “lost” beautiful woman (a character played by Nicole Kidman, aptly name “Grace”), a stranger who appears to be running from gangsters.  The tale examines human nature.  Spoilers ahead:  The plot & conclusion:  The townspeople slowly become more abusive to the woman than she had been abused by the gangsters, betraying and taking advantage of her kind nature, falsely making her a scapegoat for the sexual advances and invasions by several of the men in the town.  Ultimately, the men and women of the town condone making ”Grace” into the small town’s sex slave as each of the men in the town frequently “sneak” to her small shed and rape her while she’s chained around her neck to a heavy metal wheel “for her own good;”  in response, when her gangster father returns, after one of the townspeople reports her whereabouts in hopes of gaining a large “missing persons” reward, the woman directs her gangster father to kill all the townspeople and burn the city to the ground.  He does.  The small town is wiped out, “erased” and prevented from developing any further history.

Sarcasm intended:  It’s a small town, good feel tale.  “Dogville” suggests small town life is nothing like it was portrayed at the end of the film “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

What does this have to do with being in love with a beautiful person?

Before “Dogville” took hyperbolic, melodramatic, overwrought, genocidal and life-destroying turns (as other screenplays written by von Triers’, such as “Antichrist” & “Melancholia”, have done), the character portrayal of the female lead “Grace” by Nicole Kidman and von Trier was rare and remarkable.

For those of you searching your memory:  Yes, Lars von Trier is the director who was loved by the Cannes Film Festival crowd for years, winning Palme d’Or, the Grand Prix, and the Prix du Jury awards during his career, until he was recently banned from the festival after he claimed to have some sympathy for and understanding of Adolf Hitler, and then claimed to be a Nazi himself.  Hours later, he released a brief statement of apology about his comments at a press conference: “If I have hurt someone this morning by the words I said at the press conference, I sincerely apologise. I am not anti-semitic or racially prejudiced in any way, nor am I a Nazi.” But the damage was done.  And in the October 2011 issue of GQ, von Trier was quoted in an interview saying he was not really sorry for the comments he made, only sorry he didn’t make it clear that he was joking.  He added, “I can’t be sorry for what I said—it’s against my nature.”  Afterward, he announced he had ‘decided from this day forth to refrain from all public statements and interviews.’

My criticism of von Trier’s stories is they are often overstatements and unapologetic in their lack of real, moderating, and mitigating considerations – and those qualities take his ideas, stories, and films further away from being great and universal.  Small towns have probably rarely ever been like they were portrayed at the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” but they’ve also rarely been as they were portrayed in “Dogville.”

But looking past my perceived faults of the story and the story’s creator, in “Dogville,” before everything becomes like a weird horror film where everyone, or at least someone, should know better, the portrayal of the woman “Grace” is lovely.

I’ve been fortunate to know many women like “Grace,” women who had an extraordinary ability to interpret and meet the wants (not just “the needs”) of the very different people around them.

When you’re in love with a beautiful woman (or person), part of your job is to protect them.  Part of your job, is to give them the time and space they need to safely work their magic with the many diverse people around them.

From my personal experiences and proximity to kind and beautiful women, if I had to wager, I’d wager most kind, smart, and socially perceptive people would prefer a partner who facilitates time and space for them to safely work their social magic with their friends, co-workers, and relatives – more than they would prefer a partner who is wealthy and physically beautiful.

A beautiful person cannot always easily protect themself.  This is often not because they are simply “weak” or they crave the intimate attention of more than one person.  Rather, often it is because their company and affection are so strongly desired by so many people.  That is one concept the film “Dogville” conveys effectively and accurately.

If you’ve never encountered a person who is amazing at making so many different people pleased in many diverse ways, then I hope you will someday.  Just being in their presence will break your heart.

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The above image is from the 1999 film “Magnolia.”  The film’s screenplay is similar to 1994′s “Pulp Fiction” and 2004′s “Crash,” in that all the individual characters are introduced in separate settings, and as their stories unfold, we realize many of the characters are closely connected and have similar issues. 

This post is neither a summary of the plot or a review of the film.  You can find those things easily elsewhere.

This is a discussion of some of the film’s major themes.

The film focuses on many themes.  One of the chief themes is an examination of dealing with the past, regret, and lingering effects.  This emphasis is plainly narrated by several of the main characters and the film’s narrator.  As Earl Partridge, the game show host pictured in the center above, laments toward the end of the film: 

“Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn’t regret anything.  Don’t do that.  Don’t!  You regret what you fucking want!  Use that.  Use that.  Use that regret for anything, any way you want.  You can use it, OK?  Oh, God.  This is a long way to go with no punch.  A little moral story, I say… Love.  Love.  Love.  This fucking life… oh, it’s so fucking hard.  So long.  Life ain’t short, it’s long.  It’s long, goddamn it.  Goddamn.  What did I do?  What did I do?  What did I do?  What did I do?  Phil.  Phil, help me.  What did I do?

The film also focuses on parents who have mentally and sexually abused their children:

Tom Cruise plays a man who, when he was only 14, was abandoned by his womanizing father and was left to care for his mother as she painfully died of cancer.

William H. Macy plays an unemployed adult, a former Whiz Kid whose parents stole all his money.

Melora Walters plays an adult woman who is now a cocaine addict after she was sexually abused by her father, Earl Partridge, the host of a long running TV kid’s quiz show.

Jeremy Blackman plays a young Whiz Kid whose father is trying to profit off of his son’s ability to answer trivia questions.  The kid is a celebrity as he maintains a long winning streak on Earl Partridge’s TV kid’s quiz show called “What Do Kids Know?”

As with most modern screenplays, there are few words or dialogues that are not intended toward a purpose.

The answer to the subliminal question in the TV quiz show’s title of “What do kids know?” is clearly:  Children know more about their adult parents than their parents would like the rest of the world to know.

The film encourages the viewer to ask this question:  Would the life story you’re telling, the character you’re portraying, be nearly as interesting, desirable, or admirable if everyone knew all you’ve done and all you’re doing? 

Tom Cruise’s character is a motivational speaker who has created an autobiographical false history about his parents, where he grew up, how he was raised, and what colleges he attended.  It is all a carefully considered false construct created to support an impregnable image of social strength and vitality.  As the plot progresses, an investigative TV journalist comes in and discredits his fabricated image.

John C. Reilly plays a lonely and underachieving policeman who is not highly regarded by his peers.  He has a sincere desire to do good, but at one point in the film, he abuses his police powers to pursue a woman he finds attractive.  Again, the question arises:  If everyone knew what he was doing, would they admire his actions?  I did not watch this film until today.  I didn’t see it in 1999.  Just this last week in real world news, a woman sued a police officer because he used his access to police databases to find the woman’s address and ask her out on a date.

When you’re facing an ethical question, when you’re deciding what to do between various choices, ask yourself:  If the whole world knew everything I had done and was doing, would I continue to do this?

William H. Macy’s character also faces these ethical dilemmas and issues.  He is frustrated because his parents stole all his money.  He wants to be loved and admired.  Also, he knows he could probably pull off a successful theft of several thousand dollars.  He successfully completes the heist.  Only after he is safely away does he realize he doesn’t want to be a person who has stolen money.  Only then does regret quickly and fortunately set in, and he returns the money before the owner knows it was temporarily stolen.

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In my real life recently, and at other times in the past, like most people, I’ve had to deal with others whose lives and portrayals of themselves were often lies. 

There is a new film out, titled “Pariah,” that this week Roger Ebert gave 3 1/2 stars.  It is about a young black lesbian woman and her difficulties in being honest with herself and others about her sexual preferences and desires.  Her family doesn’t want her to be homosexual, and they each “blame” or are angry with the other for her sexuality, a characteristic they all unspokenly agree not to discuss.

There are lies of false declaration and lies of omission.  Either kind can be equally damning or damaging.

I’m not like most people.  I don’t turn a blind eye to lies of false declaration or omission.  That can make me difficult to live with if you’re living a lie or avoiding addressing any major problems from your past, in your present, or likely in your future.

What do kids know?

The film Magnolia suggests it’s really difficult to hide from your children (and other immediate family members) the faults or secrets you’re more able to hide from others.

Kids are really smart.  They are smarter at younger ages than most people may give them credit.  And children will largely learn from their parents when and whether to lie or tell the truth.

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For regular readers and writers:  Thank you to my regular readers and to the new subscribers and for the ”likes.”  I don’t post when I don’t think I have something of merit.  Everything is fine on my end.  I missed several days because it wasn’t until today I felt I had something sufficiently worthwhile to share.

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The above artwork is by Mauro Brancorsini .

© All rights reserved by Mauro Brancorsini.

(Click on the image if you wish to view it larger.)

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Reversing The Question

  ~ by OneMoreOption

President Kennedy famously said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.”

As with most good ideas, he didn’t originate that idea.  He did what most of us do:  he borrowed it and passed it on to others.  A recent biography of Kennedy points out the idea and phrasing was likely given to Kennedy in the 1930s from one of his school’s headmasters.

Inherent in the idea and in the idea’s construction formula is a principle of reversing the question:  When you have a question, one of the ways you can attempt to answer the question is to reverse the question back to you.

Here are some examples:

Have you ever asked yourself:  How come I don’t have many rich friends? 
A responsive reversed question might be:  How many people have I helped make rich?

How come people are not faithful to me? 
A reverse question might be:  With how many people have I been faithful?

How come I don’t get invited to great parties? 
A reverse:  How many great parties do you host a year?

How come attractive people don’t date me?
A reverse:  How many people do you regularly make feel attractive?

Why are people so mean to me?
A reverse:  How many people are you proactively kind to most days?

How come people don’t consistently give me energy and affection?
A reverse:  To how many people do you daily give energy and affection?

Whatever you perceive you want that you lack, a reverse question may reveal why you are lacking it.  Life has a way of balancing out and providing comparatively equal rewards.  Yes, the saying:  “To whom much is given, much will be expected” is true.  But it may also be true that:  To those who give much, much will be received.  And to those who give little, little will be received.  Call it Karma or whatever, that’s the way things tend to work out.

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   ~ by OneMoreOption

3 Things To Enjoy:

3.  Enjoy the 2008 film “Bride Flight,” a wonderful melodramatic Dutch film, set early after World War II, examining the complexities and crucibles of attraction and love.  It is currently streamable on Netflix.

2.  Enjoy the 2009 film “The Botany of Desire,” a documentary revolving around Michael Pollan’s non-fiction book “The Botany of Desire.”  It is excellent and fascinating. 

“The Botany of Desire” on IMDB

“The Botany of Desire” on Wikipedia

1.  Enjoy the 2011 Nova film documentary ”What Darwin Never Knew“ a documentary explaining details of evolution processes and DNA.  The narrative is beautifully illustrated and linear – a pleasure.

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