The Importance And Benefits Of Having Premarital Sex

gary-isaacs-my-bloody-valentine-s

The above artwork is by Gary Isaacs.

(Click on the image if you wish to view it individually.)

© All rights reserved by Gary Isaacs.

Before I begin today’s post, I want to express a disclaimer.  The posts I write are my own thoughts.  The artists, who kindly allow me to share their gifted talents and artworks, do not condone my opinions.  For example, I have no idea why Gary Isaacs titled the artwork above “My  Bloody Valentine,” but I suspect there are interesting stories behind the title . . . but maybe not.

What I’m trying to say is, please don’t assume the diverse artists promoted on this blog share any of my strong opinions.  Rather, they have their own unique ideas and expressions.  And often, they prefer to not narrowly frame their broadly interpretable artworks within a narrow context.

Similarly, I cannot narrowly define why I match up certain images with certain ideas.  There are different reasons at different times.  Hopefully, sometimes there is some magic in the associations.  But other times, like today, I primarily prefer to share a beautiful image with the world, with no strong correlation to what I’ve written below. 

You see, I’m genetically a very visual person, a visual learner, and a visual seeker.  Words alone are often lonely to me by themselves, probably undeservedly.  It’s probably just a sensory or cognitive deficit in me.  Nevertheless, I speak with images because images are what I desire, and they feed something in me I cannot fully explain.

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The Importance And Benefits Of Having Premarital Sex

 ~ by OneMoreOption

I’m a little surprised I have not written on this topic yet.  And, I wonder if this ethical question is still practically much of question for anyone in modern culture.  But because there still are people who propose it is better to not have sex outside of marriage, and because many people may still start with a presumption that sex before marriage is suspect, I wish to communicate some concepts and reasons why having sexual relations, with a person with whom you are considering becoming exclusively or primarily sexually interdependent, is probably very important and beneficial for both of you in the long run.

I wish someone had written these kinds of ideas out for me to read when I was younger.

Sexual chemistry is an amazingly complex interaction – or at least, it can be very intricate, multi-faceted, and changing.

If you’re a young person and you enjoy making out with your significant other, then you may mistakenly think you know you would be sexually compatible with your partner.

When you enter into a traditional marriage social contract, the bargain usually is that you will become sexually dependent and exclusive with that one other person.  You are choosing to place a large part, or all, of your sexual interactions, for the rest of your life, into the hands, personality, and habits of one other person.

The best analogy I can make (and as with analogies on such complex and unique things, this analogy has many weaknesses and flaws) to sexual interaction might be food appetites and consumption habits. 

What if you decided to exclusively allow only one other person (besides yourself) to prepare your food for the rest of your life?  What potential problems might arise out of that arrangement?  And further, would you agree to allow them to become your exclusive source of food preparation if you’d never tasted their cooking or tried to live exclusively off their food preparation skills and patterns for awhile?  What possible problems could you foresee?:

What if you enjoyed their conversations, but didn’t enjoy their cooking?

What if they didn’t enjoy preparing food as often as you enjoy eating it?

What if they didn’t like preparing certain foods when you most enjoyed them?

What if you didn’t like the smell of their cooking, but enjoyed the taste?

What if they didn’t enjoy preparing food for you or anyone?

What if they simply forgot to prepare food for weeks at a time?

What if you liked prepared meals once a day and they only enjoyed preparing foods once a month?

What if you liked their prepared foods, but they did not like the food you prepared for them? 

You might say, “Well, I could just go to McDonald’s.”  However, staying within the comparative frameworks of this analogy, there is no “McDonald’s.”  There is no one else, within a traditional marriage contract, who you can go to for some “fast prepared food.’

You should strongly consider having exclusive sexual relations over an extended period of time with a potential spouse prior to making an exclusive commitment to have sexual relations with only them for the rest of your life.

You probably wouldn’t choose to only eat food prepared by one person until after you had tried being exclusively dependent on their food preparation for a long trial period.

One of the poor aspects of this analogy is that sexuality is often more social and mental than food preparation.  Therefore, the analogy doesn’t approach the levels of considerations that can exist in sexual interdependency and interactions.

When I think of the many different types and intensities of sexual interactions that exist, I’m sometimes amazed at how many marriages stay together.  I think it’s a tribute to the loyalty and kindness of people that so many marriages last.  Yes, often staying together occurs for reputational, convenience, or financial reasons as much as anything.  But still, many people simply choose to be loyal, long after they realize they are not ideally compatible with their spouse on social, sexual, or other important levels.

I was a person who was very fortunate to have intimate relations with several people before choosing to primarily have one significant other.  And I cannot fathom my psyche, social intelligence, or perspectives without my intimate and first hand relationship experiences.  I cannot fully explain how incredibly different daily life can be in the company of different individuals.

Some of these differences reveal themselves in sexual interactions, but equally large social issues reveal themselves in more ways than I could have predicted.

Living life with a different significant other often leads to an entirely different experience of reality – different focuses, concerns, and worries.  A large issue in one relationship that takes up daily concerns can be absolutely non-existent in another relationship.

And in sexual relations particularly, sometimes the neighbor’s grass is greener.  It’s not just wishful thinking that nags your mind.  In my personal experience, intimate physical and sexual relations with some people have been a springboard toward many other wonderful things.  In other relationships, the conflicts and disparities of wants that arose out of sexual interactions were too often a drag on many other important relationships in our lives.  Sexual chemistry is so important.  Two people can be caustic for each other, yet those same two people can be inspirational and energy-creating in relationships with others.

You should not underestimate the importance of sexual wants and appetite levels.  Having a consistent and long term premarital sexual relationship with someone allows you to make some measure of whether you are sexually healthy and compatible.  These are issues you should extensively explore before making lifelong exclusive commitments.

Even small disparities can be sources of significant conflict.

Do you know how hard it is for most people to change their body’s weight range?  Returning to the food consumption analogy, but on a different front, most people have little control to change their body’s weight range over a long period of time.  Similarly, most people probably have similar difficulty changing their types of sexual appetites and their frequency levels for those appetites. 

If one spouse wants sex a few times a week, and the other spouse rarely wants sex, then even if they both enjoy the same kind of sexual activities, the difference in their frequency desire can lead to lifelong conflicts.  Some of those conflicts are addressable, but others may be difficult or practically impossible to address.  There are thousands of minor nuances that can lead to sexual conflicts.

Sometimes, “trying harder’ or “having enough love” will not be enough to pleasantly breach the gap between partners’ widely different levels of desire for sexual frequency or types of sexual activity.

The food and hunger analogies are imperfect in that people can go without meeting their sexual appetites for long periods of time and still survive.  But even if people can survive long periods of time without having their sexual appetites fulfilled, they still live through those periods in environments where they regularly receive less than they want.

It may be possible to find a good sexual partner without having sexual relations prior to making a long term exclusive social contract, but the odds are extremely against you

Further, if you have few comparative, previous sexual relationships, then you’ll probably spend a great deal of time wondering if your physically and socially stimulating sexual interactions could have been better.

In the worlds of sexual interaction, the grass is sometimes definitely greener in other lawns.  Just as in social relationships, the grass is definitely greener in the regular company of different people.  Some chemistries create imbalances and disparities that will burn out all the grass, destroying the lawn, and displeasing the whole neighborhood.  Yet, those same people, when combined with others, can lead to prosperous growth.  The fault is sometimes not in the separate individuals in a couple.  Sometimes, the flaws come from their constant combining.

You probably won’t want to live the majority of your life wondering:  What if?  You probably won’t want to live the majority of your life missing out on not having comparative experiences.  But if you choose that path, my best wishes to you on that difficult path.

I am a strong believer in being fair, kind, and loyal to other people.  But you can often be more fair, learned, kind, and loyal to other people by not betting all of your current and future chips on the first pony you ride.

Try before you choose.

Good luck, because even with all the personal experiences and knowledge you can diligently gather, luck will still play a large role.

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18 thoughts on “The Importance And Benefits Of Having Premarital Sex

  1. Nice work. I like the analogy of sex to food. As you’ve pointed out the two are completely different. Intuitively there seems to be some marked characteristics the two share, though. One important thing is most of us can’t live without either one for very long, they’re essential to our health and well-being. It makes total sense, then, to be sure about the person you’re going to be dining in with on at least a long-term basis, if not forever.

    Having never subscribed to the “let’s wait until we get married” theme, I can say without any hesitation, that it has been the best decision I’ve ever made. You shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket, as they say. How else will you be able to fully explore your sexuality? Just like any other aspect of what it is that makes up you, your sexuality has to be cultivated like a garden. It has to be tended to with loving care and committment, for sure. But who wants to have a garden with just one kind of flower or plant. What makes up the most spectacular gardens are those that have the most assortment of stuff…within reason, of course (too many things can make things blurred and just one big mess)!!

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    OneMoreOption: Thank you for expressing your ideas.

    Like

  2. Wow, what a well thought out piece. I have had premarital sex, but not with my spouse. We decided to wait, as he was/is devoutly christian, and I rededicated myself to the faith. Our wedding night was his first ever experience, and we cherish the fact that I am his one and only, and that we both stay true to each other sexually. Having said that, our sex life has not been all roses. There was much to learn in the beginning, and a lot of frustration for me. The social aspects of the relationship you talk about is wanting. I often wish I had chosen someone else, just for the companionship aspects. Other than that, our marriage has much to offer to both of us, it just isn’t a perfect situation, and I think no relationship is ever perfect. Waiting can be something that enriches and strengthens a relationship, if it is in line with the couples beliefs.

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    OneMoreOption: Lovely. Yes, I suspect all relationships are hard and imperfect. And I don’t mean to imply that premarital sex is a cure-all. Premarital sex is fraught with its own set of problems.

    I appreciate your candidness, displaying both the potentially good and bad. Your honesty is helpful to me. And thank you for your compliments.

    Like

  3. a person having sex with different individuals reduces human relationships to an animal level

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    OneMoreOption: Hey! What’s wrong with animals? Why you have to go hatin’ on animals?

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  4. Hey, one of my friend ‘s just lost her virginity, It is a lie from the pit of hell! Sex is not good without marriage,you actually become an animan by sexing before marrige, it is equal to rubbing and killing, especially the female, you become brazen! Dont have sex till you are married please you are not designed for that !my friend is very sad & depressed Wait on Yahweh !

    Like

  5. Your body is Yahwhs creation whether u are a christian or not, so he has the manual to say how to use it!
    The earth is full of shit because of *** sex****
    unfaithfulness, murders, killing —– its time to wait again !

    Like

  6. Very interesting analogy. I never thought of premarital sex that way.

    I wanna say first that although I am a Christian and believe greatly, I know that God wants us to wait so we can please Him in the ways He wants us to live. But in my personal opinion, I just say that it is the person’s choice, whether to have premarital sex or not. Should that be considered a bad thing? a good thing? Many people are different and we control our lives. I’m not saying I don’t disagree with God, mind you.

    But God did give us a little something that no one else can give us: free will.

    He gave us free will so we can make up our own minds instead of being mindless creatures with no independence, no individual thoughts, and no rights. He did say that with free will we can either listen/obey to His Word or not. We can either believe in Him or not.

    Does He want us to please Him? Yes, of course he does!

    Does He want us to be the right kind of people? Yes!

    Does He want us to flee tempations and other evils? Yes.

    BUT…………….

    Does He force us? No.

    Does He control our actions, thoughts? No. (He actually influences them.)

    Do we HAVE to follow Him? No.

    He gave us free will for a reason, because He wanted us to make our own decisions, including the choice of premarital sex. Are there consequences to your choice? Always. It just depends on what you do with it. If you choose premarital sex and you talk or think out the consequences with your lover, you are less likely to have many problems. But things can happen I understand.

    That is my thought on premarital sex.

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    OneMoreOption: Thank you for sharing your thoughts on God.

    As the popular song lyric from a few years ago said, “Tell me all your thoughts on God, ‘cuz I’d really like to meet her.”

    God, as an entity or concept, tends to expand and contract to the degree “He” is perceived and defined by the individual user’s free will, education, and limits of imagination.

    As your comments imply, “He” tends to be whatever you choose to define “Him” to be.

    If you think “He” has an opinion or influence on your sexual choices, “He” probably will to the degree you allow your free will to be influenced by your individually chosen and defined perceptions of “Him.”

    Thank you again for adding to the different points of view on these important topics.

    Like

  7. Pingback: Inquiry 3 Prospectus | Christina's Blog

  8. i strongly believe that sex is good for every animal including, human.but rather it will be okay if it is after marriage.cause it might result in: unwanted pregnancy among teens, masturbation, educational depression,early marriage,unrealistic negative sexual potrayal…,etc…so, be warned!… (ojueh@)

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  9. God’s greatest gift on earth is love.both human nd inhuman recoganize it.now human linked this love to sex.devil decided to use sex to force many into hell.whether u like it or not premarital sex is disobeying GOD.know this!!!.i love the guy that wrote the article nd wil love him more if he can write on the dangers of premarital sex.

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    OneMoreOption: God? Really? That’s the best you can do as far as an “appeal to authority” rationale? Looks like God could use a spelling and grammar checker.

    You use “love” like a stick, to beat up others who don’t agree with your tenuous beliefs.

    There’s no way to say whether or not there is a God. And there’s no way to discover His personal opinions on the sexual behaviors of humans, animals, and other comparatively miniscule creatures. It’d be like a human declaring lions shouldn’t be permiscuous and should mate with only one other lion for life. It’d be like a human moralizing that female praying mantis shouldn’t kill and eat their male counterparts in the afterglow of copulation. I doubt God is nearly as concerned about human sexual behaviors as we are.

    But if for some reason you want to believe God wants to comment on and shape your personal sex life, then try that theory out and see how far it takes you. But be careful with any pre-ordained path you blindly rely on.

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  10. I PERSONALY AM A CHRISTIAN, BIBLICALY ITS PROHIBITED TO HEV PREMARITAL SEX, BUT THE WAY U EXPLAINED IT I SAW THAT ITS WORTH IT TO ENGAGE. RATHER TRY FIRST BEFORE COMMITING FULLY

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    OneMoreOption: Okay. It’s just one more option to consider. Always good to check several different opinions.

    That’s a lot of capital letters. Best wishes.

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  11. WELL WELL WELL,,,IF A MARRIAGE broke up for just a reason of they do not like the way they sex,,or they do not like the taste of it,,,then,, THERE IS NO LOVE WITH THEM.

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  12. *for better or for worse* ….think of that phrase before jumping into any agreements, though it’d be wise to note that you just can’t put up with some “worse”

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  13. Biblically premarital sex is a sin,only those that have married are allowed to do it & it is mandatory for them to be doing at their own desired & agreed time to avoid satanic intrusion. More so,there are some other things that are not permitted outside the marriage,such as kissing,hugn etc

    Like

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